Gratitude

This past Thursday as I was driving in to work, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how blessed I was. I took some time to thank God for His blessings that I often overlook. Here's my list:

Sunsets on the way to work

Sunrises on the way home

A job that I love

Unexpected friendships

Babies that are healthy enough to scream in the night

Babies that are well enough to eat from a bottle

Dear friends

The knowledge that I am loved by many people

Sunshine and breezes

Daffodils to remind me that Spring is coming

A down comforter to keep me warm until Spring does come

Time spent pulling weeds with friends

Life lesson reminders from pulling weeds

My boyfriend, who treats me better than I deserve

Talks with my mother

A comfortable home

A real bed

An abundance of delicious food

Patience-- that God is teaching me, and that others have towards me

God's reminders that He is working

Time for reflection

My 30 minute drive to work

The privilege of communing with God in prayer

God's timing

And there are many more. Taking the time to reflect and think of them reminded me of how infrequently I have a grateful attitude. I want to be in more of a habit of being truly grateful for God's blessings-- large and small.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

Psalm 116:7-9 (ESV)

Sabbath Blessing

God is so faithful.

I could just leave it at that. That pretty much says all I want to say. But I want to tell you why so that you know He's faithful, too.

I have been incredibly blessed in that I have not had to work on Sabbath ever since I started my new job at the end of September. Unfortunately, I knew that trend would not last. Working as a nurse is wonderful in many ways, but it also has its downfalls, and one of them is having to work weekends and holidays.

I had to work night shift this past Friday night through Saturday morning, and as I was preparing to go in to work that night, I kept thinking how much I wished I didn't have to go to work because I really needed my Sabbath rest. I read my Bible and then began to have my prayer time, and I thought, "You know what? I do not need to have this kind of attitude going into work." I didn't want to start my shift with a negative attitude because I didn't want to be spreading a negative influence to other people I would encounter, especially not on the Sabbath when we are supposed to receive and be a blessing. So I prayed for God to change my attitude. I asked Him to help me to be a blessing to those around me, and I asked Him to help me maintain a positive attitude and keep the Sabbath as best I could while at work.

I then exercised, took a shower, ate, and packed a meal for work in record time. I managed to leave for work ahead of schedule (something that never happens, and especially not after having so much to do in so little time), and amazingly enough I was not stressed or upset at all on the way to work despite there being quite a bit of traffic and getting stuck behind a few slow drivers. I even managed to enjoy watching a gorgeous sunset as I drove. I felt like my Sabbath was already off to a good start.

As soon as I got to the pod I'd be working in for the night, I saw that there had been a new admission that just came in at 6:25 pm-- right at shift change. The other night shift nurses and I discussed who would take which babies, and I volunteered to take the new admission and someone else would take the next admission since our pod was going to be the first to get new admissions for the night. I realized at that point that it was probably going to be a busy night, and I felt uncertain about what I was getting myself into. But I had determined that I was not going to let anything deter me from having a positive attitude and enjoying my Sabbath. I said a quick prayer and took report on my two babies.

Things were very busy. Almost everything had been done for the new admission except for giving a few medications, filling out tons of paperwork, and shortly after dayshift left, we had to put the baby on bubble CPAP because he was grunting and retracting. One of the other nurses also got an admission not too long after our shift began. My podmates helped me and the other nurse get things done on our admissions, and by the time my shift was halfway over I was caught up and things had slowed down some. At that point I stopped to reflect a little bit and realized that despite all the stress of the evening, everything had gotten done (and done well), I hadn't felt stressed out at all, and I still had a positive attitude.

The rest of the shift went by without much event. I left work and went to see my boyfriend briefly before going to my house to sleep. When I woke up Saturday evening, I was saddened to think that I had slept away most of the day and hadn't really gotten to enjoy worship or fellowship on Sabbath, and I had to go back to work again that night. But God wasn't done blessing my Sabbath.

My housemates had planned a get-together at our house to give a quilt we had helped make to one of our friends who is recovering from her battle with esophageal cancer. When everyone had arrived, we sat down in the living room and sang hymns. Songs of heaven and of trusting in God. I soaked it up and thanked God for reminding me of His goodness, and I thanked Him for my Sabbath blessing.

Storms

Last spring I was babysitting for some good friends of mine. I love their family. I love their kids. And there is never a dull moment with them. For those of you who know me personally (or know them), I'm referring to the Parkers (whose blog you can follow here when you need a dose of laughter or food for thought). I wanted to write about this when it happened last spring, but I guess better late than never, n'est pas?

I had been watching Anaya, Seth, and Skyler for the afternoon, and it had been a lot of fun. We played some games, read some stories, and then Seth and Anaya wanted to go outside. So outside we went. As I sat on the porch with Skyler and Seth, I watched the sky, and they did as well. There were dark storm clouds above threatening to let loose a furious downpour.

"I don't yike storms," Skyler told me nervously.

Seth responded before I could, and with a melancholy look on his face said, "I love storms."

I smiled, and told Skyler, "I love storms, too. Do you want to know why?"

"Yesh," he replied.

So I told Seth and Skyler the story of the Israelites camped at the base of Mt. Sinai when God came down to speak to Moses. I read to them Exodus 19:16 where it says that there was thunder and lightning and a thick cloud on the mountain because God's Presence was there. And I told them that I loved storms in part because they remind me of God's power; storms make me feel like God is near.

Skyler wasn't convinced. But we stayed outside a while longer and played some games in the yard.

Later that evening shortly after Dr. and Mrs. Parker got home, the sky let loose. Rain was pounding the ground, wind whipping tree branches, and the tornado sirens started sounding over at the university. After some discussion, Dr. and Mrs. Parker decided that they would pack a few things and head over to Dr. Parker's office since they didn't have a basement in their house. I decided to head back home, but just before I got out the door, Skyler came over to me.

"I yike storms because we get to go to daddy's office." His eyes sparkled with excitement as he smiled up at me. His fear of the storm was completely forgotten.

At that moment, I wished that I were more like Skyler. Somehow there's a slight disconnect in my mind between physical storms and life storms. I love real storms for a lot of reasons. I especially love that they make me feel so small and make me feel that God's Presence is near. But for some reason, I haven't particularly carried that view and those feelings over to life storms. Somehow when I'm in the midst of a life storm, it seems so much easier to forget that God is near, so much easier to feel lost and alone.

Skyler's reason for liking storms should be mine as well. He was thrilled for an excuse to spend time with his father. He was grateful for an opportunity to be with his dad and to be protected by him. As long as Skyler could be with his father during the storm, there was no room for fear, only space for excitement and joy.

What if I reacted to life storms in the same manner? How amazing it would be if whenever a trial or difficulty presented itself in my life, I reacted by being excited for an opportunity to draw closer to God. How it might warm God's heart if I were anxious to see how He was going to come through for me, how He was going to protect and carry me through the storm, instead of being anxious about the potential damage that might result from the storm.

"He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." ~Psalm 121:3-8, ESV

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." ~Isaiah 26:3, 4, ESV

The Truth About Apathy

Let me tell you the truth about apathy: it hurts. Deeper than hatred, it wounds the heart.

It's been a while since I recognized this truth, and I've processed and worked through my thoughts and feelings on this matter. So now I'm sharing them with you because I caught a small glimpse of the heart of God, and I want you to see it too.

A while ago, I was really struggling in one of my friendships. I was really upset because I valued this friendship, and I felt like my friend had become completely indifferent towards me. It seemed like no matter how much I tried to be friendly, they didn't care. In fact, in my mind, it began to seem like the more friendly I was, the more apathetic they became. This quickly turned into a very discouraging situation. I cried, I prayed, I racked my brain for answers. Finally, I realized that I couldn't keep doing it; I was not going to force my friendship somewhere it was not wanted. So, I backed off. And silently mourned the loss of a friendship that I still don't really have any hope of recovering.

My friend's apathy towards me was worse than hatred, because hatred at least requires a person to feel like you're worth spending their emotional energy on; indifference breeds a feeling of worthlessness because they don't even care enough to hate you. In addition, anger is likely to subside one day; it comes back again and again, flaunting its pain in your face until you deal with it. But apathy nestles quietly somewhere deep in the recesses of a heart where it is not likely to be disturbed again.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this emotional turmoil, I remember pouring my heart out to God. I told Him exactly how I felt. I told Him how hurt I was to lose a friend, one that I still cared about a lot. I told Him how their apathy made me feel, how it wounded my heart. And then it struck me. God gets that. He knows that feeling-- a billion times over. How many days of Earth's existence has God, who by definition is love, had to deal with the indifference of millions of His very own Creation? How often has God extended His love to us, not willing to force His love, but waiting with baited breath to see if we would accept His offer of friendship? How often has God backed off, mourning the loss of His Love and hoping that the day might come when we would change our minds? How deeply have we wounded His heart with our apathetic acknowledgment of His existence while we choose to invest our time and emotions in transitory endeavors?

Let me tell you the truth about apathy: it hurts. Deeper than hatred, it wounds the heart.

“‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. . . Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.'" ~Revelation 3:15, 16, 20, ESV

Pilgrims

"What might it not mean for others if all of us who are seeking after a country of our own, a better Country, that is, a heavenly, lived more like pilgrims here?" ~Gold Cord: The Story of a Fellowship by Amy Carmichael

Have you ever traveled to a foreign country? Have you spent any length of time there? If you have, you will understand what I'm about to write.

No matter how much time you spend in a foreign country, no matter how familiar you become with their food, their mindset, their language, or their sayings, it is always quite obvious that you do not belong. You look different. You have a different worldview. Your values, the things that are important to you, the way you see life are all different. You are from a different culture, and theirs will always be foreign to you. Theirs is not your heritage. You may come close to feeling like you fit in. You may even begin to identify with their culture; in fact, you may begin to feel like you're trapped somewhere in between their culture and your own. But their culture is still not completely your own.

What if we as Christians really lived as if this world were not our home? What if we were so wrapped up in our heavenly home culture, so identified by it that it would become quite obvious to anyone we would meet on Earth that we do not belong here in this worldly culture-- that it is not our own? What would life look like if this Earthly culture were always foreign to us? What kind of difference could we make in this world if we lived more like pilgrims here and less like natives?