Pocket guide for dock inhabitation
The purpose of this friendly pocket guide is to make all of your dock trips dry ones. Here at Camp Cherokee the command not to swim in the lake is generally not heeded, especially by what we will from now on refer to as “dock-pushers.” Dock-pushers are those who push or otherwise propel dock visitors (also known as pushees) into Saranac Lake where swimming is prohibited. Please enjoy the reading of this pocket guide and mind the advice given if you wish to keep your temporary dock inhabitation a dry one.
Items to bring
* The number one item to carry with you at ALL times is a cell phone even if you don’t actually plan on using it. Just the simple presence of the cell phone deters any potential dock-pushers from carrying out their plans of throwing you in.
* iPods, or really any electronic devices, serve the same purpose as the aforementioned items.
* Books are especially advantageous tools. They have multiple uses on dock including, but not limited to, entertainment for your enjoyment, a screen so that you may observe life around you, mere decoration to dissuade dock-pushers, and an emergency tool to beat off dock-pushers who were not dissuaded.
* Towels also serve multiple purposes such as portable cushion, weapon of attack when dock-pushers spring upon you, and for drying off when the weapon of attack failed.
* Another helpful hint is to be fully clothed on every approach of the dock. Generally speaking, when you are fully clothed occasionally dock-pushers will have pity on you and not throw you into the water. However, sometimes wearing clothes really just increases the dock-pusher’s urge to push you in.
People to Elude
This section will be a list in order of the most dangerous dock-pushers to the less threatening ones.
* At the top of our list is Brian Castellanos. This is one fellow you should avoid at all costs. On occasion a sliver of compassion will escape from his heart and he will take pity on the pushee and not throw them in. However, this is a rare occasion.
* Our number two dock-pusher whose attack you will wish to deflect is Joel Kurtz. While Brian is the number one threat, Joel is not far behind. His most common form of attack is the lift and heave, which quite possibly makes him more dangerous, though less common, than Brian and his sneak attack from behind.
* Ranking third on our most dangerous dock-pusher list is Olivia Watson whose key advantage is her patience. Her technique is quite unique; she generally waits until there is some sort of confusion and then in the midst of the chaos she shoves the befuddled dock visitor or a fellow dock-pusher into the refreshingly cool lake.
* The final dock-pusher whom you should elude at all costs is fourth only because of his infrequent visits to the dock. His name is Alex Trecartin, and his method of attack is most often the lightning quick sneak and shove, which he affectionately calls an “encouraging push” or a “helping hand.”
Be warned. And beware of these formidable foes.
* If you do in fact happen to chance across the aforementioned dock-pushers while down at the dock and they attempt to get you into the water using their various methods, the first and most important thing that you must do is latch on to anything within reach, including the dock-pusher. In fact, your best bet is to grab onto the dock-pusher’s arm or leg. This action will discourage them from throwing you in without some caution as they may end up joining you in the lake.
* The next step in the plan of escape is to get your legs into the upright position as fast as possible. Once this has been done, it is much easier to attempt to run away, drag your feet, or plant your feet firmly to avoid being thrown or pushed. However, if it is not possible to get your feet in contact with the ground, kick legs furiously as this might land a blow on the offending dock-pusher.
When plan fails…
* If a counterattack is not effective, plead. Use the dock-pusher’s sympathy, small though it may be, to your advantage and play the cell phone card. If you, the pushee, happen to be female and the dock-pusher a male, this maneuver is more likely to succeed.
* When hope seems lost, use the previously mentioned tools to beat down your attacker. Books can quite effectively become clubs, towels are best used in whip fashion, and if shoes are available they make good cannonballs. This second approach is generally more successful for the male pushees.
* If escape is not possible and you know that you are going in, hold on to the pusher for all that you’re worth. If you go down, they go down with you.
Revenge plots
* Once in the lake, ask for a helping hand (not Alex the dock-pusher’s kind of helping hand). When they oblige, pull. Hard. This plot works well if force ratio of pushee to dock-pusher is in your favor (Newton’s Second Law of Motion).
* Use copious amounts of guilt. Pretend to have had your cell phone with you, whether or not you truly did. Say that you’re hydrophobic. Cry. This last suggestion is another technique generally more effectively used by the female gender.
* Once you have emerged from the cold lake water, give the dock-pusher a large bear hug (most effective when still wet). Attempt to vigorously shake water on them in dog-like fashion. Or use any other means to allow the dock-pusher to share in your wetness.
