Thursday, August 2

The Pocket Guide

The following is a pocket guide created by Emily and me. Due to the alarmingly large numbers of people being pushed into the lake, we decided to create a guide to make all of our trips to the dock safe ones. Unfortunately, the equation we had to justify the writing of this guide was not in the proper format to post on blogger and we could not figure out how to get it into the proper format, so it has been omitted. Enjoy.

Pocket guide for dock inhabitation

Purpose of the Pocket Guide
The purpose of this friendly pocket guide is to make all of your dock trips dry ones. Here at Camp Cherokee the command not to swim in the lake is generally not heeded, especially by what we will from now on refer to as “dock-pushers.” Dock-pushers are those who push or otherwise propel dock visitors (also known as pushees) into Saranac Lake where swimming is prohibited. Please enjoy the reading of this pocket guide and mind the advice given if you wish to keep your temporary dock inhabitation a dry one.
Items to bring

* The number one item to carry with you at ALL times is a cell phone even if you don’t actually plan on using it. Just the simple presence of the cell phone deters any potential dock-pushers from carrying out their plans of throwing you in.

* iPods, or really any electronic devices, serve the same purpose as the aforementioned items.

* Books are especially advantageous tools. They have multiple uses on dock including, but not limited to, entertainment for your enjoyment, a screen so that you may observe life around you, mere decoration to dissuade dock-pushers, and an emergency tool to beat off dock-pushers who were not dissuaded.

* Towels also serve multiple purposes such as portable cushion, weapon of attack when dock-pushers spring upon you, and for drying off when the weapon of attack failed.

* Another helpful hint is to be fully clothed on every approach of the dock. Generally speaking, when you are fully clothed occasionally dock-pushers will have pity on you and not throw you into the water. However, sometimes wearing clothes really just increases the dock-pusher’s urge to push you in.

People to Elude
This section will be a list in order of the most dangerous dock-pushers to the less threatening ones.

* At the top of our list is Brian Castellanos. This is one fellow you should avoid at all costs. On occasion a sliver of compassion will escape from his heart and he will take pity on the pushee and not throw them in. However, this is a rare occasion.

* Our number two dock-pusher whose attack you will wish to deflect is Joel Kurtz. While Brian is the number one threat, Joel is not far behind. His most common form of attack is the lift and heave, which quite possibly makes him more dangerous, though less common, than Brian and his sneak attack from behind.

* Ranking third on our most dangerous dock-pusher list is Olivia Watson whose key advantage is her patience. Her technique is quite unique; she generally waits until there is some sort of confusion and then in the midst of the chaos she shoves the befuddled dock visitor or a fellow dock-pusher into the refreshingly cool lake.

* The final dock-pusher whom you should elude at all costs is fourth only because of his infrequent visits to the dock. His name is Alex Trecartin, and his method of attack is most often the lightning quick sneak and shove, which he affectionately calls an “encouraging push” or a “helping hand.”

Be warned. And beware of these formidable foes.

Plan of Escape
* If you do in fact happen to chance across the aforementioned dock-pushers while down at the dock and they attempt to get you into the water using their various methods, the first and most important thing that you must do is latch on to anything within reach, including the dock-pusher. In fact, your best bet is to grab onto the dock-pusher’s arm or leg. This action will discourage them from throwing you in without some caution as they may end up joining you in the lake.
* The next step in the plan of escape is to get your legs into the upright position as fast as possible. Once this has been done, it is much easier to attempt to run away, drag your feet, or plant your feet firmly to avoid being thrown or pushed. However, if it is not possible to get your feet in contact with the ground, kick legs furiously as this might land a blow on the offending dock-pusher.

When plan fails…

* If a counterattack is not effective, plead. Use the dock-pusher’s sympathy, small though it may be, to your advantage and play the cell phone card. If you, the pushee, happen to be female and the dock-pusher a male, this maneuver is more likely to succeed.

* When hope seems lost, use the previously mentioned tools to beat down your attacker. Books can quite effectively become clubs, towels are best used in whip fashion, and if shoes are available they make good cannonballs. This second approach is generally more successful for the male pushees.

* If escape is not possible and you know that you are going in, hold on to the pusher for all that you’re worth. If you go down, they go down with you.

Revenge plots

* Once in the lake, ask for a helping hand (not Alex the dock-pusher’s kind of helping hand). When they oblige, pull. Hard. This plot works well if force ratio of pushee to dock-pusher is in your favor (Newton’s Second Law of Motion).

* Use copious amounts of guilt. Pretend to have had your cell phone with you, whether or not you truly did. Say that you’re hydrophobic. Cry. This last suggestion is another technique generally more effectively used by the female gender.

* Once you have emerged from the cold lake water, give the dock-pusher a large bear hug (most effective when still wet). Attempt to vigorously shake water on them in dog-like fashion. Or use any other means to allow the dock-pusher to share in your wetness.

20 comments:

Christy said...

hmmmm....

where's the blog about our coolio day-offer's hike! You'd better include the ALFREDO!

Lorrie said...

Happy Sabbath =) I know this is an older post but I happened upon it as I am meandering through people's blogs. I really appreciate your thoughts and can completely relate. It can seem So difficult to make myself do the things I know I should. And you're right, I never regret when I step out in faith and do things out of my comfort zone...so why, oh why, is it so difficult to plunge in? *sigh* :)

roadrunner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
roadrunner said...

ROTFL!! I assume you and Emily were among some of the "pushees." Oh what I wouldn't give to have been a witness to such a struggle! Miss you!

(P.S. You should have this published!)

Lorrie said...

lol I meant the other post for my above comment..oops! The one about plunging in. *feels silly*

TBird said...

a spider in the pocket?
and what is the time frame for such proposed defences to occur?

Baby Pham said...

Funny pocket guide...It makes me want to push and be pushed.

Caitlin said...

I love this blog Kristin! I read it to my sister, and we both enjoyed it immensely since we both have been participants and culprits in dock wars before! A highly recommendable pocket guide for its prcacticality as well as for its wonderfully humerous flavor!
looking forward to the hike story :)

Anonymous said...

haha Kristin. yeah...i s'pose we don't even need to take books to the dock anymore, seeing as the pushing has been outlawed. Let's sleep better tonight!

Bekah! said...

good bye, good bye, be always kind and true! To the waterfront we go!

Kelsey said...

Lol Kristin and Emily. Thanks for the laugh. Sounds like your having a blast. Miss you! See you soon.

Anonymous said...

Kristin! I'm home and just realized that I don't have any pictures of you and me together. What on earth? (I partly blame my camera which I didn't really use b/c it was having issues). Anyways, I think I like being anonymous. We got home yesterday from Quantico and DC in the afternoon. Traffic on the way down was so bad on 81! I was really tired. Ok, well, see you soon! I will not be able to have you presence graced on my myspace. :(

Anonymous said...

your presence. possessive. whoops.

Kristin said...

Christy: I think I need to make an outline of our hikes so that I don't leave out any highlights... They were so full of fun :)

Christen: Mostly this was a joke, there really weren't terribly many incidences of dock-pushing. However, there were several occurrences and the methods listed in this guide were quite accurate. Although, after the writing of this blog I must admit that I became a victim of one Brian Castellanos's dock-pushing schemes. He said he had to live up to his reputation...

Thomson: I'm not so sure that a spider in the pocket would defer any dock-pushing attacks. Although, there are quite a few large dock-dwelling spiders... Ick. I'll have to post pictures of some of them. They're gigantic.

Caitlin: I'm glad you enjoyed it :D And Shaila too. It's entire purpose was to make people laugh and I'm glad that it has done so :P

Anonymous: Well... you may remain anonymous I suppose :) That was one crazy night of sleeplessness... And I suppose the outlawing of dockpushing did sort of make our guide quasi-pointless :( Sad. Meanwhile, I found myself with a strangely similar dilemma! No pictures with you! :( I think I'm going to blame it on the fact that I couldn't find my batteries until near the end of camp and then I only used it on hikes... That's ok, we'll just have to remedy this next year and take lots of pictures together :D Hope you enjoyed your trip to DC/Quantico!

Wow... that was long :)

Alex said...

I am glad to see the new display picture... I remember when meeting you thinking that you were significantly more attractive than the blog picture you've had.

Anonymous said...

oh my goodness Alex just cracked me up

Anonymous said...

Kristin...ahh I have knocked on your door 4 times... And I don't even have you cell phone number! Anyways. I have some questions for you. About the TEP. (But I really wanted to see you before I thought of asking you these questions!) Ok, hopefully see you soon!

Christy said...

alex, that was the funniest comment i've read in a long time. and it was an odd timing too because the reason i got on this post was to comment to kristin about her awesome profile picture! lol. but yes kristin, i do dearly love that picture! :D :D

Bivan said...

ok so I finally figured out what you were talking about lol and it is super fun lol

Paul said...

I'm glad to learn the strategy of the other side--I'm usually the one throwing folks it.
in my neck of the woods, this type of fun doesn't end until everyone within a square mile is totally soaked.