Once again, my God is good. Somehow in the midst of this weekend that was supposed to rejuvenate me and help me learn to cope with reverse culture shock (which I think I'm only very mildly experiencing), Satan found his way in. Much of this day, he's been whispering lies of inadequacy and insignificance in my head, and I believed him.
Upon my return to my apartment, I decided I was not ready to enter. I needed to come away a while and spend some more time with my God. He had some lies to set straight, and some reassurance to give me. So I found a patch of grass that looked inviting, laid down and talked to God.
Have you ever just really, desperately felt a need to feel and know God's Presence is with you? As I laid there, I knew in my head that God was right there with me. I knew it because He's promised never to leave me nor forsake me. But my heart was wanting to doubt. I prayed and prayed that God would let me know He was near; I prayed that God would remind me somehow of how very much I am loved. I knew in my head that God has blessed me with some of the most amazing friends, and I know that they care about me, but I was feeling alone and insignificant (it's part of the curse of being an F rather than a T; I can't even reason with myself sometimes).
So I waited in silence. No great gust of wind came. There was no flash of lightning in the sky. But after a few minutes, the thought came to me, "Start walking." I was disappointed. I didn't want to leave that place without a reassurance. But I got up and started walking toward my apartment. As I came to the crosswalk, I saw a familiar face driving by. It was Jen. She stopped and began to talk to me.
"Do you want to talk for a bit?" she asked. Apparently I'm not particularly skilled at hiding my emotions (again, the curse of the F). At first I told her that I really shouldn't; I ought to go back to my apartment.
"Are you sure?" she persisted.
I was about to resist again, when I thought, "How ridiculous am I?" Here I'd just finished praying to God and telling Him how alone and uncared for I was feeling at the moment, and I was about to reject an opportunity to spend some time with a good friend who wanted to show that she cared.
I got in the car, and we just drove around a bit. Talked a little. Mostly sat in silence. But it was just what I needed at the moment.
And so I'm ever so grateful for good friends, and even more for a God who loves me enough to orchestrate divine appointments and to provide just what I need when I need it. I pray that I will learn more and more to have faith in God's love even when I don't necessarily feel it.
I walk to the meadow, and stare at the flowers-
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day.
So why do I worry? Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need, You know what I need.
2 comments:
I just said a little prayer for you, Kristin. I can empathize with you. I read this the other day and it brought me a lot of encouragement and hope:
"When tempted to give up under discouragement and difficulty, let us study the life and experiences of Christ. He had to contend against the powers of darkness that He might not be overcome. We have the same battle to fight, the same victories to win. "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). It is our privilege to lay hold on the strength of One who is able to save unto the uttermost all that come unto God by Him. He invites you to present your case at the throne of grace, and cast your helpless soul on Him."-- The Upward Look, pg. 252
I'm so glad that God chose to speak to you in His own special way. I pray that you will feel His presence close and abiding with you.
Love you!
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