Three posts in one night is crazy, I know. But I'm not sure when I'll get another chance for a little while and I felt like I needed to unload my thoughts. Although, there are still plenty tossing about in my mind.
Matt and Beth-Anne's wedding was wonderful. Everything was beautiful, things went smoothly, and the ceremony was so special. I don't think there could have been any doubt in anyone's mind that God is at the very core of their marriage and has been through their whole relationship. I love them so much, and I couldn't be happier for them.
I had one of the most awful feelings today. When I got back to Tennessee, I decided to stop by the post office. As I got out of my car and looked around me, I had this horribly indescribable sinking feeling and I sighed. I was back. And it has never felt less like home.
It doesn't really make sense, but I felt more at home up in Pennsylvania this weekend than I feel in Tennessee right now. I know, it sounds ridiculous; I've never been there before, and I was only there for a short while, but I think that being around so many people that I have been missing so much made me feel at home again. And I hated leaving.
Recently, I've been feeling more and more that home is not a place. Sure, I have my home in Virginia where my family is, but to be completely honest, it only feels like home because my family is there. I think that's why we can be homesick for heaven even though we've never been there. Because our home is not in this sin-filled world, but with God-- in His presence. And even though we've never been to heaven, we have been in God's presence. In a limited, not face-to-face kind of way, we can experience God's presence in our lives here, and it makes me want so desperately to be at home with Him and to be able to see him face to face.
I'm beginning to realize that home really is where the heart is. And right now, I feel like my heart is being torn. Within the past year or two, I've come to love my friends and family more deeply than I ever have before, and lately I've felt like I keep leaving little pieces of my heart strewn about as the people I love go their separate ways. I don't know why, but I feel such a sense of loss right now. And I can't help but feel that things will never be the same as everyone parts ways.
A lot of my friends are going to different places around the world. Some will stay where they are, and my family will still be where they are now, but I'm leaving. I can't help but feel that I'm going to be so far from home, not only literally, but also in the sense that I will be far from the ones I love, the ones my heart is with. I know that I'll be coming back, that it's only temporary. But I'm seriously beginning to have some doubts about whether or not I'll be able to handle it.
I know God is calling me. I know that I want to go. But I feel that I'm lacking strength. Please pray for me. I need it.